my poor "arm"

**well, i'm going to avoid posting my usual warning for mr.b, i'm thinking that in this post if i need to use the word "uterus" i'll write the word arm instead. clever, huh? let's hope it makes sense....

so, i should make sure to mention that no, i'm not expecting-no babies-but way to pay attention to me babble in the last post! i threw that "have a baby" remark in there after i'd written it and thought it might even go unnoticed.

but it's hard not to think about babies, sheesh, seems like there are a ton of them these days! i'm a baby person, i just love a squishy little newborn! but i've been enjoying my kids getting older and more independent lately and andie was...how should i put this...a non-napping, cranky, stubborn baby that didn't sleep through the night until she was over two years of age. we're so happy to have made it here!

unfortunately, my "arm" isn't doing too well. it seems that there just isn't much more to do for it with the exception of, ahem, "amputation" (on second thought, i don't think the whole arm thing is going to work out, i just can't keep up with the analogies). anyway, it's been a challenging year and at this point i have had surgery, taken everything out that shouldn't be there, tried three different pills, and a month ago started injections to stop hormone production and induce an artificial menopause for the second time in a year. i have bled and cramped my way through all of them, and astonishingly, through this injection as well, which i've never heard of anyone doing.

weeks ago found me in the doctor's office yet again, this time i cried and told my gay, male doctor who has never had a menstrual cramp in his life nor does he live with anyone who has, that my quality of life is diminished and that my pain, bleeding, headaches, and hormone imbalance were creating a situation that makes it hard to even care for my children some days. he was sweet, sympathetic, and listened intently as always, and basically told me i am out of options. all they can do is try different hormone combinations and try to numb the pain, but it's not working and there's nothing else they can do until i say i'm done. the burden of saying enough is enough is on me, i'm the only one who can determine how much pain and discomfort is enough. and unfortunately, i'm getting there.....

so, i always thought we would have three children, but i also always thought that because i was young when we started our family, we had the luxury of waiting until kieran and andie got a bit older to see if we wanted to start over with a baby again. but we will probably need to speed things up a bit and move toward that hysterectomy in the near future. the tentative plan is to think about having a baby in the even nearer future. i would hate to sterilize myself and then have regrets about not even trying to have a third child.

we'll see how all this goes, i'm planning to not go in for my next lupron injection this week, which in and of itself is not without complications--hot flashes, migraines, increased risk of osteoporosis. wish me luck going au natural! on the bright side, it couldn't be any worse!

i have been so lucky to have such wonderful family and friends who have helped with the kids at a moment's notice when i'm not well. i can't wait to feel "normal" and hope that pregnancy or hysterectomy, whichever comes first, will get me there!